Writer's Block: Kids or child-free?

[dydan]

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Mother Nature decided to make me child-free. There was a time (not too terribly long ago) when I had a very difficult time with that. However, at this point in my life its definitely a blessing and I thank the Universe every day for the wisdom in keeping me child-free.

I did my stint of parenting to my Ex's children. It was not a very rewarding experience but I think that's largely due to the level of dysfunction that was rampant in the marriage. Being child-free made it much easier to get out of that relationship cheaply and relatively quickly. With as much hurt and pain there was at the end, the fact that I could make a clean cut and move on with my life was a great comfort to me.

The issue of kids did come up very early in the relationship with Jared. I was concerned that he would want children down the road. Thankfully he shared my sentiments. If I ever have any doubts about wanting kids, I only need to go to the local movie theater where the locals drag their screeching 5 year olds to R rated movies and think nothing of it.

I do my own little social experiment when the subject of children come up. I dont usually offer up the fact that I am unable to have children. Even though I've made my peace with it, its not something I like to discuss in casual conversation - who wants to be a Debbie Downer? The reactions I get from people when I express my gratitude over being child-free are interesting. When people think I am childless by choice they feel some need to question my opinion and decision on that. If they press me hard enough about it (and they have more times than I can count) I will admit to them that I am unable to have children. Its amazing how quickly the attitude shifts!

Child-free by choice somehow implies I am some child-hating asshole.
Child-free by circumstance earns their sympathy and pity.

Just goes to show you...no matter how "advanced" our culture is, it still judges a woman's worth by her ability to breed.

Comments

[shadowwolf13]

"Child-free by choice somehow implies I am some child-hating asshole.
Child-free by circumstance earns their sympathy and pity"

I've noticed the same thing. Though I have yet another side to the coin at times. There is a chance, though very slim, that I 'can' get pregnant. But if I did then the likelihood of either me or the baby actually surviving to the end is practically nil. They say I'm selfish for not at least trying to provide my husband with more offspring. Nevermind the fact that he's nearing 50 and doesn't want to raise another.

[troubleagain.livejournal.com]

You should tell *them* they're judgemental jerks, and who are they to decide your husband even WANTS you to have kids? And besides, jerkfaces, it's none of your business!


(Yeah, I'm childfree by both choice and circumstance.)

[shadowwolf13]

I've had one "friend" continue to look down on me even after I informed her that it was health issues and Lynn's love for my continued life that kept him from wanting kids from me. She felt that I should give up my life to bring forth another and leave my nearly 50 year old husband to raise a newborn on his own. We don't talk to her much anymore.

[twirlandswirl.livejournal.com]

Don't you know, men only marry women so they have their own personal incubators.

[kukla-red.livejournal.com]

I have always believed that people who don't want to have children should not have them. And I say this as the child of parents who should NEVER have had children. My parents had kids because it was expected of them, not because they wanted to. I think they would have been much happier had they remained childless. They were devoted to each other to the end of their days. To their children? Meh, not so much.

My friend Randi never wanted to have children. She had a brother who was 11 years her junior. Due to some dire family circumstances, she pretty much raised him while her mom worked nights. Once she became an adult, Randi felt that she had already paid her child raising dues and she did not want to have her own. She took a lot of grief from her family about that but she stuck to her guns.


If this is something you KNOW about yourself, who is anyone to question it?

[def-fr0g-42.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's environment, geography or luck of the draw, or possibly even because I'm a guy, but anytime I've ever said, "Child-free by choice", I've never gotten a bad reaction. The worst I get is "Aw, you ought to, you'd make a great dad." Otherwise they leave it at that.

[kukla-red.livejournal.com]

It's different for guys.

[dydan.livejournal.com]

-ts absolutely different for men. Women are the "nurturers" and there's this assumption that all women are somehow hard-wired to have the biological need to breed.

A man not interested in kids is not judged anywhere near as harshly as a woman who chooses to remain childless.

[russellbluewolf.livejournal.com]

"A man not interested in kids is not judged anywhere near as harshly as a woman who chooses to remain childless."

or seen as gay...

[nurvuslee.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's definitely true that it's much different for guys.

[twirlandswirl.livejournal.com]

So not to go against YOUR opinion at all, this sort of thing gets to me:

If I ever have any doubts about wanting kids, I only need to go to the local movie theater where the locals drag their screeching 5 year olds to R rated movies and think nothing of it.

That is, people who hate kids (not referring to you, I know you don't hate them, but some people really, really do) because other people are crappy parents. Don't hate the kid - hate the adult in charge of them that takes no responsibility. There ARE good, well-mannered kids that are worth being around out there. They are just few and far between these days because no one wants to actually PARENT their spawn and deal with tantrums and drama. They'd rather just shut them up with candy and video games so they can go back to playing online or whatever.

People forget parenting is a JOB and when they choose to have/keep a child, they commit to it. It's not the kids that are inherently bad, it's the parents that are lazy.

I tell people sometimes that I love kids but I hate other people's kids, heh. Because other people are lazy assholes.

[dydan.livejournal.com]

People ARE lazy assholes indeed!

Jared and I adore Rhoni's 12 yr old son. Why? Because he has manners! He's articulate, he is always polite and he actually takes pride in himself.